June 22, 2012

Well, there's good news and there's bad news. I am pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday (cd16). Hooray! Awesome right? The Clomid seems to have actually worked! The bad news is that I had ZERO signs. My cervix was clamped down tight, I had one tiny patch of very sticky cm, and that's it. For that reason, although the hubs and I have been on an "every other day schedule" when I attempted to woo the hubs Tuesday night and we ended up in an argument, I thought, "Well, it's not like I'm ovulating anyway," and we missed our chance. Seriously?!? When I woke up the next morning at 6 and had that first high temp, we did our business then, hoping for the best, but I know that chances are slim at that point. I would like to think that Sunday may have been recent enough, but with no real fertile cm, I seriously doubt it. Soooo.... I guess there's a chance, and that's nice to know, however small. That's a change from the past four months, since I haven't ovulated since early Feb.
A very good friend found out Tuesday that she is preggo. They have been trying for 10 months now, and I couldn't be happier. Her son is three weeks older than M (although he should have been 3 months older). It's still VERY early, so no one else knows yet, but I feel special and honored that she shared her exciting news with me! I can honestly say that hearing her news makes me purely happy. I would love to share another pregnancy experience with her, but whether or not I end up pregnant this cycle, I have no hesitation in celebrating with her.
There is a very small and silly part of me that feels like if we would be pregnant and due at the same time, I surely would have to go to term or close. Surely God wouldn't give me another preemie and then make me watch my best friend and her baby grow so big. Obviously, I don't presume to know God's plan or purpose. It just seems like that would be an unnecessary pain, so if we were due at the same time it would have to make everything ok. But logic prevails and I know that there are no guarantees, regardless of signs, coincidences, or anything else. Even someone with no history of problems has no guarantees. I just have that fact in my face more than most.
So it would probably be a good thing if I would be a month or even two behind her, just to keep me from comparing and having to watch her finish her pregnancy if I don't make it to term. The logical side of my brain knows that very well.
In other news, I decided to "take the plunge" and call an RE. I talked to a friend who has been dealing with infertility for a long time and asked her for a recommendation. I just don't know where to start looking for that sort of doctor without asking someone who has seen one. She recommended two, both of whom she likes a lot, but one of whom is cheaper, more aggressive, and has appointments in about a week versus a month or two. So that was an easy decision. Although I know now that I am able to ovulate using a low dose of Clomid, I feel like the risk of multiples and the fact that the Clomid resulted in no other fertility signs warrants a visit with a specialist. I am hoping that he will be able to weigh the risks and benefits of Clomid, figure out the reason my cycles are so unpredictable and far between, and figure out the best way to get me ovulating and fertile so that we can make a baby! I just feel like with my medical history of homozygous MTHFR, Factor V Leiden mutation, severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome on top of whatever is causing me not to ovulate, I need someone who has knowledge in all of these areas and can consider all factors when deciding on the best course of action. So that appointment is next Friday. Just a week away! That will be 10 dpo, so I may start my period that day, which would be unfortunate, but when I called and read his website, I was told that we will start with a consult, then a medical exam and work-up, then a talk with the RE himself to discuss a plan. So I really think that we will leave there with a plan! Hooray! It may just be another round of Clomid while using Pre-Seed, but I'm fine with that if he feels the risks are small enough. Hopefully it will be a worthwhile appointment and we can leave with more knowledge than we have now.
It's going to be a good month!

Beginning a Journey

Hello Poppy Seed

My daughter,
Who not so long ago
Was a poppy seed to pollywog
That grew inside of me,
Is newly pregnant.

I imagine
The million moments of
Carrying, calming, feeding,
Adoring, worrying,
Astonishment
Holding on
And letting go

That are stored in her now
Like chromosomes on a gene,
Too intricate,
Too detailed
To map.

Already I recognize
The way she walks—
Protective,
The way she speaks
About other things
But is never unaware
Of the precious secret
She holds inside.

You are blessed,
Little poppy seed.
You will grow
In a nourishing womb.
You will be born into arms
That yearn for you,
Held close by a bond
Formed long ago.

In a lifetime of achievements
And failures
I am most proud
Of this beautiful mother/daughter
Who started as a poppy seed
Inside of me.

Maria Brady-Smith, October, 2009

Matt's size 11 wedding ring

This poem was written by my mom shortly after she found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Mya. (Hopefully she doesn't mind me posting it here :) ) My husband, Matt, and I were newly pregnant and read that, at that gestation, she was about the size of a poppy seed. Thus the inspiration for the poem and blog title. When I think about that stage in our lives, I think about how naive we were, and about all we had ahead of us that we didn't know was coming yet. Mya was born the following March and just 28 weeks 1 day, weighing 1 lb 10.8 oz. It's hard for people to imagine a baby that size, and it's hard for me to remember her at that size, but my husband's size 11 wedding ring fit over her arm, up to her shoulder. Now, at 2 years old, it barely fits over two of her fingers.

The first time I met Mya after she was born.

I wish I would have started blogging or journaling at the beginning of my pregnancy, or at the beginning of our NICU stay, but now, two years later, is the first time when I have felt that the whirlwind has died down enough to try it out. So here goes nothing. I am beginning at another beginning: the beginning of trying for baby number two. This is a whole new experience for us. When we decided to try for a baby the first time around, I had no known health issues, no complications, no reason to think everything wouldn't go smoothly. This time, I have a history of pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome that cause Mya's early arrival, and have recently been diagnosed with two separate blood clotting disorder: homozygous MTHFR and Factor V Leiden Mutation. Research is emerging, but is seems that the Factor V is likely at least part of the reason for the HELLP Syndrome. Along with that information, my cycle is very irregular (meaning I don't ovulate very often) and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up soon to determine whether there is a separate reason for that. I have my theories, but I'll have to wait and see. So at this point, getting to the point of holding baby number two in my arms feels like a step by step process with lots of unknowns and each stage. Will it be difficult to get pregnant? Will I be able to carry a baby to term this time around? Will I end up on bed rest or be able to continue working during my pregnancy? I have no doubt that we'll get there, but I'm just not sure of the path God has in mind for us.  This blog is my documentation of our journey.