A Little Bit of Crazy

I'm so excited! Like, possibly weird excited... I placed an order on Amazon.com for a "Big Sister" shirt for M. We tried to find one locally, then tried making one with an iron-on because we wanted it asap, thinking we would use it to tell my sister and her husband about the baby when they planned to come to our house on the 4th. But the iron-on was a TOTAL failure. As soon as I washed it (per package directions) parts of it peeled off, and when M put it on, the material (of course) stretched and it tore the iron-on to pieces! Boo! So... I just sucked it up and bought one. :) My sister and hubby have already heard the news, but it will be a fun way to share with some other people down the road and a great way for M to get excited about it. She is actually already interested and has been  saying she wants "baby Gwert" to come out and play with her toys. I seriously can't believe she hasn't spilled the beans yet. We saw her godparents yesterday and I thought for sure she was going to say something, but she got distracted. Phew! As far as I know, she hasn't said anything to her sitter yet, but then again, the sitter might just be too nice to ask until we bring it up. Fortunately, she's on vacation for the next two weeks and M will be staying with grandparents during the day, so there's one less place to spill it. :)
M was in the best mood this evening. We had so much fun. It's been a rough couple of weeks. She hasn't been sleeping well, meaning she's been up early and her naps have been short, and she just hasn't seemed to feel well. She would say her belly hurt, or her ear hurt, or her arm hurt, but never anything consistently. She would be fine one minute, then melting down about something that typically wouldn't bother her the next minute. She has also been doing A LOT of whining, and yesterday when I told her she needed to use her big girl voice (for the 100th time) she said, "Don't tell me that Mama!" Oy! We finally decided she was constipated, and, after treating that for a few days, she is back on a better schedule of dirty diapers and today is the first day she has seemed like herself (after a 3.5 hour nap to boot! Awesome!). Let me just say, it is so easy to appreciate what a happy girl she is when we've been missing that for a couple weeks! We played outside for the first time in weeks, since the heat has FINALLY broken! It has been in the upper 90s even up until it gets dark, so we have missed that! It was a great evening.
The hubby made a major grocery shopping trip this afternoon. We have started on a meal plan to make grocery shopping and meal prep easier, so he made a big trip to get us started. (Yes, I am a lucky girl to have a man who willingly does a lot of our grocery shopping!) Why is this relevant you ask? Well, I have an unreasonable fear of going to Walmart. Where we live, that's the best, cheapest place to do a one-stop shopping trip. I don't usually have this fear. It's not my favorite place to be, but typically there is no anxiety involved. But when I was pregnant with M, we did one of our big shopping trips, and spent a big chunk of the afternoon walking around the store, finding everything on our list. I was 26ish weeks pregnant and, by the end of it, was having a fair amount of low back pain. Not a big deal, just uncomfortable. So I went home and took a warm bath. The pain got worse and moved up towards my rib cage, and ended up being pretty intense. Over the next 10 days, that pain would come and go, getting progressively worse, until I was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome on March 11 and M came unexpectedly into the world at 28 weeks, 1 day. Until very recently, maybe the beginning of this year, every time I entered into Walmart, I  would think of that. I still do pretty often. I associate it with the beginning of the problems that led to M being born so early. That's not really accurate. I had had elevated blood pressure before then and was on blood pressure medication, although I had no other signs of pre-e. But for whatever reason, that is the moment I associate with the beginning of the end of that pregnancy. I know that it had nothing to do with Walmart, and likely even had little to do with being on my feet so long that one day. That may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but I doubt it. I'm pretty sure it would have happened one way or another. The warm bath could have exacerbated the liver inflammation that was already coming on (in fact, I'm pretty sure it did, because both that time and a later time that I took warm baths I ended up in a lot of pain) but that wasn't the root of the problem. But, even though my logical brain knows these things, I find myself wanting to avoid doing any major shopping at Walmart now that I'm pregnant again. I did offer to go along today. I haven't even mentioned to my husband that I feel this way, mainly because I didn't realize it until he was there today. I'm sure if I tell him he will continue to be amazing and take over all the shopping for the duration. But I'm pretty sure I just need to get over it. I'll tell him about it, and maybe next time we'll go together, and I'll be more aware of how long I'm on my feet. They have benches, after all! Or I won't. It's not the hardest place for me to avoid for the next 9 months. Either way, this baby is going to be safe and healthy, and grow big and strong, all the way to term! And I'm pretty sure Walmart isn't going to be the deal-breaker.

June 22, 2012

Well, there's good news and there's bad news. I am pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday (cd16). Hooray! Awesome right? The Clomid seems to have actually worked! The bad news is that I had ZERO signs. My cervix was clamped down tight, I had one tiny patch of very sticky cm, and that's it. For that reason, although the hubs and I have been on an "every other day schedule" when I attempted to woo the hubs Tuesday night and we ended up in an argument, I thought, "Well, it's not like I'm ovulating anyway," and we missed our chance. Seriously?!? When I woke up the next morning at 6 and had that first high temp, we did our business then, hoping for the best, but I know that chances are slim at that point. I would like to think that Sunday may have been recent enough, but with no real fertile cm, I seriously doubt it. Soooo.... I guess there's a chance, and that's nice to know, however small. That's a change from the past four months, since I haven't ovulated since early Feb.
A very good friend found out Tuesday that she is preggo. They have been trying for 10 months now, and I couldn't be happier. Her son is three weeks older than M (although he should have been 3 months older). It's still VERY early, so no one else knows yet, but I feel special and honored that she shared her exciting news with me! I can honestly say that hearing her news makes me purely happy. I would love to share another pregnancy experience with her, but whether or not I end up pregnant this cycle, I have no hesitation in celebrating with her.
There is a very small and silly part of me that feels like if we would be pregnant and due at the same time, I surely would have to go to term or close. Surely God wouldn't give me another preemie and then make me watch my best friend and her baby grow so big. Obviously, I don't presume to know God's plan or purpose. It just seems like that would be an unnecessary pain, so if we were due at the same time it would have to make everything ok. But logic prevails and I know that there are no guarantees, regardless of signs, coincidences, or anything else. Even someone with no history of problems has no guarantees. I just have that fact in my face more than most.
So it would probably be a good thing if I would be a month or even two behind her, just to keep me from comparing and having to watch her finish her pregnancy if I don't make it to term. The logical side of my brain knows that very well.
In other news, I decided to "take the plunge" and call an RE. I talked to a friend who has been dealing with infertility for a long time and asked her for a recommendation. I just don't know where to start looking for that sort of doctor without asking someone who has seen one. She recommended two, both of whom she likes a lot, but one of whom is cheaper, more aggressive, and has appointments in about a week versus a month or two. So that was an easy decision. Although I know now that I am able to ovulate using a low dose of Clomid, I feel like the risk of multiples and the fact that the Clomid resulted in no other fertility signs warrants a visit with a specialist. I am hoping that he will be able to weigh the risks and benefits of Clomid, figure out the reason my cycles are so unpredictable and far between, and figure out the best way to get me ovulating and fertile so that we can make a baby! I just feel like with my medical history of homozygous MTHFR, Factor V Leiden mutation, severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome on top of whatever is causing me not to ovulate, I need someone who has knowledge in all of these areas and can consider all factors when deciding on the best course of action. So that appointment is next Friday. Just a week away! That will be 10 dpo, so I may start my period that day, which would be unfortunate, but when I called and read his website, I was told that we will start with a consult, then a medical exam and work-up, then a talk with the RE himself to discuss a plan. So I really think that we will leave there with a plan! Hooray! It may just be another round of Clomid while using Pre-Seed, but I'm fine with that if he feels the risks are small enough. Hopefully it will be a worthwhile appointment and we can leave with more knowledge than we have now.
It's going to be a good month!

Frustration!

I had my appointment with Dr W yesterday, but I don't even think he knew why I was there. I saw him last fall for a "pre-conception consult" to basically discuss the game plan for the next time I would be pregnant, and I think he thought that's why I was there yesterday. He started telling me about all the things we're going to do once I'm pregnant to try and prevent or delay severe pre-eclampsia again. But I already know all of that because we've already had that discussion. When I called, I told his nurse all about my concerns with possible PCOS and Clomid vs metformin, and she said "I think that would be a great conversation for you to have with Dr Webb." I asked if I could talk with him on the phone to avoid having to take the afternoon off work and driving an hour each way, but she said he would want to see me in his office. Fair enough. But I really wish she would have talked to him about it first because he basically just told me that he or Dr P aren't qualified to make the decisions and diagnoses based on my situation. He told me that he wouldn't recommend going over 100mg of Clomid because of the risk of multiples. Specifically, twins would double my chances of severe pre-e. He thought I should give it 2-3 cycles with Clomid, and if I'm not pregnant, regardless of whether I have ovulated with it, I should go see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) who can figure out exactly what's going on and figure out the best way to help me get pregnant with ONE baby. I really feel like they could have told me over the phone that he wouldn't be able to answer my questions, but whatever. They have my $40 copay, so hopefully that makes them happy.
Based on what he said, I really don't think I'm going to wait 2-3 cycles. If I don't ovulate or get pregnant with this round of Clomid I'm just going to see an RE. I was thinking about calling and setting up the appointment and just canceling it if I get pregnant. I imagine they take at least a month to get in anyway. A friend/co-worker who has PCOS and a complicated history as well has a doctor she loves. He's not technically an RE, but worked with one and did a lot of training with him, and basically has a lot of the same knowledge. She loves him and wants me to see him. I haven't decided yet. Part of me likes the idea of seeing some one I have a good referral to, but the other part of me wants to just go straight to the top and skip the possibility of having to involve yet another doctor. The other benefit is that he shouldn't be hard to get into- maybe a couple weeks or so. I am thinking about calling and explaining my situation and seeing if he thinks he could help me or if I should go elsewhere. I've been burned with that before though, when nurses say they want me to come in, and then at the appointment the doctor says they can't really help me or they just don't have any new information from any of the other doctors I've seen. Yesterday wasn't the first time! I guess I'll ponder it this weekend and hope I ovulate and get KU so I don't have to worry about it!
The good thing that came out of my appointment yesterday is that Dr W realized he hadn't taught me how to give myself shots. I will have to give myself daily shots of blood thinner immediately, as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test, so he gave the the prescription to have ready and a nurse showed me how to do it. I was a teensy bit nervous, but it didn't hurt a bit! Hooray! Ok, so it's an almost microscopic needle, and I'm not even afraid of needles, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick one into my own belly. But after trying once, it'll be no problem! I'll have to get creative about covering bruises for my maternity pics though!
The less good thing that came from my appointment, besides all the unanswered questions, was a bit of a freakout. When Dr W started talking about the risk that would go along with twins, I started getting really nervous. Are we doing the right thing by trying again? I wouldn't change anything about our little girl, but I hate that she had to go through so much when she was so small. She is an amazing, strong fighter, but no baby should have to be a fighter! I don't want to do that to another baby. We are so blessed that she has done so well. She "caught up" earlier than the doctors expected and has no real lasting issues from her stint in the NICU, but it didn't have to go that way. Things could go worse next time. I know this is what we want, but when I left the doctor's office yesterday, I felt selfish. Is it stupid to want to try this again? I know this risks aren't as high as they could be, but they're not low enough to be comfortable. And I'm scared. What if things go wrong? I don't want to find myself in another fight for my and/or my baby's life.
I know myself well enough to know that there are days I'm going to feel this way. Most of the time I'm excited about the prospect of another baby and optimistic about having a healthy pregnancy, but there are moments when the risks throw themselves in my face. Yesterday was the first time since our daughter was in the hospital where I really questioned whether we should do this again.
We will try, and odds are good that we will have a healthy baby at least fairly close to term. If not, we'll deal with whatever comes our way. God has it under control, but this is definitely one moment where the idea that He won't give us more than we can handle is not a comfort. It's not that I don't think we could handle anything that comes our way, it's just that there are lots of possibilities that I just don't want to! Today I feel much better and much more optimistic, although still recovering a bit from the anxiety of yesterday. But we're off to the river this weekend for some sun and relaxation with the fam for Father's Day!

Beginning a Journey

Hello Poppy Seed

My daughter,
Who not so long ago
Was a poppy seed to pollywog
That grew inside of me,
Is newly pregnant.

I imagine
The million moments of
Carrying, calming, feeding,
Adoring, worrying,
Astonishment
Holding on
And letting go

That are stored in her now
Like chromosomes on a gene,
Too intricate,
Too detailed
To map.

Already I recognize
The way she walks—
Protective,
The way she speaks
About other things
But is never unaware
Of the precious secret
She holds inside.

You are blessed,
Little poppy seed.
You will grow
In a nourishing womb.
You will be born into arms
That yearn for you,
Held close by a bond
Formed long ago.

In a lifetime of achievements
And failures
I am most proud
Of this beautiful mother/daughter
Who started as a poppy seed
Inside of me.

Maria Brady-Smith, October, 2009

Matt's size 11 wedding ring

This poem was written by my mom shortly after she found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Mya. (Hopefully she doesn't mind me posting it here :) ) My husband, Matt, and I were newly pregnant and read that, at that gestation, she was about the size of a poppy seed. Thus the inspiration for the poem and blog title. When I think about that stage in our lives, I think about how naive we were, and about all we had ahead of us that we didn't know was coming yet. Mya was born the following March and just 28 weeks 1 day, weighing 1 lb 10.8 oz. It's hard for people to imagine a baby that size, and it's hard for me to remember her at that size, but my husband's size 11 wedding ring fit over her arm, up to her shoulder. Now, at 2 years old, it barely fits over two of her fingers.

The first time I met Mya after she was born.

I wish I would have started blogging or journaling at the beginning of my pregnancy, or at the beginning of our NICU stay, but now, two years later, is the first time when I have felt that the whirlwind has died down enough to try it out. So here goes nothing. I am beginning at another beginning: the beginning of trying for baby number two. This is a whole new experience for us. When we decided to try for a baby the first time around, I had no known health issues, no complications, no reason to think everything wouldn't go smoothly. This time, I have a history of pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome that cause Mya's early arrival, and have recently been diagnosed with two separate blood clotting disorder: homozygous MTHFR and Factor V Leiden Mutation. Research is emerging, but is seems that the Factor V is likely at least part of the reason for the HELLP Syndrome. Along with that information, my cycle is very irregular (meaning I don't ovulate very often) and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up soon to determine whether there is a separate reason for that. I have my theories, but I'll have to wait and see. So at this point, getting to the point of holding baby number two in my arms feels like a step by step process with lots of unknowns and each stage. Will it be difficult to get pregnant? Will I be able to carry a baby to term this time around? Will I end up on bed rest or be able to continue working during my pregnancy? I have no doubt that we'll get there, but I'm just not sure of the path God has in mind for us.  This blog is my documentation of our journey.