Big News!

Oh how things have changed since my last post. And so very much for the good! I got my BFP yesterday (Saturday)!! Read: big fat positive pregnancy test! I was totally shocked! Friday morning I peed on my first stick and there was the faintest of faint lines, but I though "Surely that's nothing." Actually, with my first pregnancy, I remember using a cheap-o test and being able to see where the line would be, and I was sure that's all that faint line was. So what did I do? Dunked a second test in water for comparison purposes. ;) When that one didn't show any line at all, I definitely began wondering. My boobs have been feeling fuller since 4 DPO (days post-ovulation), and I started feeling really tired about midweek, but I attributed everything to being on my first round of Clomid and, let's face it, when you're a full-time working mom of a two year-old, it's hard to differentiate tired vs really tired. BUT when I re-tested Saturday morning the line was clearly darker! The hubs had to be convinced that these little Wondfo tests are really sensitive and accurate, and he insisted that I send a picture to my BFF, who I mentioned just got her BFP last week. I did, and when she called I answered the phone to lots of squealing. :) So he took that to be a positive interpretation.

Top: Friday's HPT; Middle and Bottom: Saturday's HPTs

 

My Chart with Climbing Temps!

So wow! We went from thinking our timing was rotten and having scheduled an appointment with an RE to being pregnant! I kept thinking, "Well, if God wants us to be pregnant, our bad timing isn't going to stop Him." So here we are!
Things have absolutely fallen into place. I was frustrated when my original RE appointment was pushed back to Tuesday,  but had it been scheduled for Friday, they probably would have said, "Congrats! You're pregnant! $40 please!" Also, we were supposed to spend Saturday on the river. I was concerned about the 100+ degree heat, but we decided to make it a little shorter day and spend more time in the water, but the friend who was supposed to go along hurt his back, so we canceled the trip. Instead we spent the morning visiting our parents and telling them our exciting news. (Yes, we already told our parents. We're each close to our parents and wanted to share with them asap, although the rest of the general public won't know for a while). I was able to take a nap when M did too. Like I said, I'm already tired.
The third thing that fell right into place was getting my Lovenox shots from the pharmacy. Earlier in the week, I called my insurance to make sure I would be able to get them from Walgreens rather than via mail order, and was informed that they would only pay for 12 shots a month. I also needed a pre-auth, so I called my MFM and left it in their hands. When I called back the next day to check in, I was told that the insurance wouldn't pay for any at all until I was officially pregnant. My MFM insisted that I have the medication on hand so that I could begin taking it immediately upon getting a positive HPT. So I really needed to have it on hand. I took the prescription to Walgreens to at least get the process started, and, lo and behold, they filled the entire 30 day prescription for a $45 copay, which is what they said I would have to pay for just 12 shots! Hooray!!!  So I was able to start my shots immediately yesterday morning. :) I actually had to run back to Walgreens for alcohol swabs, and ended up giving myself the first shot in the car. I had to force myself not to hesitate, but I did it! The bad news is that it hurt way more than the practice shot at the dr's office. Not the shot itself so much, but the medication. But not as bad as having to visit my baby in the NICU every day... Yesterday's shot left an ugly bruise and needle mark, but today's was a little smoother and I held pressure on it a little longer, and the result is much nicer.

First 2 Lovenox Shots

You can see the darker bruise on the bottom of the picture and today's mark a little above and to the left. My belly is going to be beautiful... Looks like I'll be wearing a tank top over my swimsuit!

 Tomorrow I will be calling the RE to cancel my appointment and my MFM to schedule a new one. Hooray! I may also call my regular OB to let him know that the Clomid was a success and that I am preggo!

Remember the friend who just found out she is also preggo? Well, her son is 3 weeks older than M and this time around, we're due 9 days apart! She's due March 3, which, amazingly, is the same day she was due with her son, and I am due March 12. And, because I like to keep it interesting, March 12 is just one day after M's birthday! My birthday is on the 8th and my dad's is on the 16th, so March is already a busy birthday month, and it's only going to get busier. Before getting pregnant with M, I had said that I would really like to have a March baby. Getting pregnant that June wasn't in the cards for us, but I (of course) was happy with our June due date when we did get pregnant. However, apparently the power of my suggestion was strong, because of course, she made her grand entrance in March after all. This time, I have been saying that I want to make it to 39 weeks and 6 days, because my MFM said he wouldn't let me go past 40 weeks and that because of my last c-section, they wouldn't induce labor if I don't start on my own, so if I go past 40 weeks it will for sure be a c-section delivery. But, as it turns out, 39 weeks 6 days is M's birthday! It's going to be interesting to say the least! But I'm excited to make it to March, and if that means that both my babies share a birthday, I am a-okay with it.

Here's to a full-term, healthy, and uneventful pregnancy! I'm talking myself up to it and, when I get nervous, just tell myself that this will be a long, healthy pregnancy with a healthy, chunky baby in our arms at the end. It will happen! All prayers are appreciated as we embark on this journey as a family!

June 22, 2012

Well, there's good news and there's bad news. I am pretty sure I ovulated on Tuesday (cd16). Hooray! Awesome right? The Clomid seems to have actually worked! The bad news is that I had ZERO signs. My cervix was clamped down tight, I had one tiny patch of very sticky cm, and that's it. For that reason, although the hubs and I have been on an "every other day schedule" when I attempted to woo the hubs Tuesday night and we ended up in an argument, I thought, "Well, it's not like I'm ovulating anyway," and we missed our chance. Seriously?!? When I woke up the next morning at 6 and had that first high temp, we did our business then, hoping for the best, but I know that chances are slim at that point. I would like to think that Sunday may have been recent enough, but with no real fertile cm, I seriously doubt it. Soooo.... I guess there's a chance, and that's nice to know, however small. That's a change from the past four months, since I haven't ovulated since early Feb.
A very good friend found out Tuesday that she is preggo. They have been trying for 10 months now, and I couldn't be happier. Her son is three weeks older than M (although he should have been 3 months older). It's still VERY early, so no one else knows yet, but I feel special and honored that she shared her exciting news with me! I can honestly say that hearing her news makes me purely happy. I would love to share another pregnancy experience with her, but whether or not I end up pregnant this cycle, I have no hesitation in celebrating with her.
There is a very small and silly part of me that feels like if we would be pregnant and due at the same time, I surely would have to go to term or close. Surely God wouldn't give me another preemie and then make me watch my best friend and her baby grow so big. Obviously, I don't presume to know God's plan or purpose. It just seems like that would be an unnecessary pain, so if we were due at the same time it would have to make everything ok. But logic prevails and I know that there are no guarantees, regardless of signs, coincidences, or anything else. Even someone with no history of problems has no guarantees. I just have that fact in my face more than most.
So it would probably be a good thing if I would be a month or even two behind her, just to keep me from comparing and having to watch her finish her pregnancy if I don't make it to term. The logical side of my brain knows that very well.
In other news, I decided to "take the plunge" and call an RE. I talked to a friend who has been dealing with infertility for a long time and asked her for a recommendation. I just don't know where to start looking for that sort of doctor without asking someone who has seen one. She recommended two, both of whom she likes a lot, but one of whom is cheaper, more aggressive, and has appointments in about a week versus a month or two. So that was an easy decision. Although I know now that I am able to ovulate using a low dose of Clomid, I feel like the risk of multiples and the fact that the Clomid resulted in no other fertility signs warrants a visit with a specialist. I am hoping that he will be able to weigh the risks and benefits of Clomid, figure out the reason my cycles are so unpredictable and far between, and figure out the best way to get me ovulating and fertile so that we can make a baby! I just feel like with my medical history of homozygous MTHFR, Factor V Leiden mutation, severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome on top of whatever is causing me not to ovulate, I need someone who has knowledge in all of these areas and can consider all factors when deciding on the best course of action. So that appointment is next Friday. Just a week away! That will be 10 dpo, so I may start my period that day, which would be unfortunate, but when I called and read his website, I was told that we will start with a consult, then a medical exam and work-up, then a talk with the RE himself to discuss a plan. So I really think that we will leave there with a plan! Hooray! It may just be another round of Clomid while using Pre-Seed, but I'm fine with that if he feels the risks are small enough. Hopefully it will be a worthwhile appointment and we can leave with more knowledge than we have now.
It's going to be a good month!

Frustration!

I had my appointment with Dr W yesterday, but I don't even think he knew why I was there. I saw him last fall for a "pre-conception consult" to basically discuss the game plan for the next time I would be pregnant, and I think he thought that's why I was there yesterday. He started telling me about all the things we're going to do once I'm pregnant to try and prevent or delay severe pre-eclampsia again. But I already know all of that because we've already had that discussion. When I called, I told his nurse all about my concerns with possible PCOS and Clomid vs metformin, and she said "I think that would be a great conversation for you to have with Dr Webb." I asked if I could talk with him on the phone to avoid having to take the afternoon off work and driving an hour each way, but she said he would want to see me in his office. Fair enough. But I really wish she would have talked to him about it first because he basically just told me that he or Dr P aren't qualified to make the decisions and diagnoses based on my situation. He told me that he wouldn't recommend going over 100mg of Clomid because of the risk of multiples. Specifically, twins would double my chances of severe pre-e. He thought I should give it 2-3 cycles with Clomid, and if I'm not pregnant, regardless of whether I have ovulated with it, I should go see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) who can figure out exactly what's going on and figure out the best way to help me get pregnant with ONE baby. I really feel like they could have told me over the phone that he wouldn't be able to answer my questions, but whatever. They have my $40 copay, so hopefully that makes them happy.
Based on what he said, I really don't think I'm going to wait 2-3 cycles. If I don't ovulate or get pregnant with this round of Clomid I'm just going to see an RE. I was thinking about calling and setting up the appointment and just canceling it if I get pregnant. I imagine they take at least a month to get in anyway. A friend/co-worker who has PCOS and a complicated history as well has a doctor she loves. He's not technically an RE, but worked with one and did a lot of training with him, and basically has a lot of the same knowledge. She loves him and wants me to see him. I haven't decided yet. Part of me likes the idea of seeing some one I have a good referral to, but the other part of me wants to just go straight to the top and skip the possibility of having to involve yet another doctor. The other benefit is that he shouldn't be hard to get into- maybe a couple weeks or so. I am thinking about calling and explaining my situation and seeing if he thinks he could help me or if I should go elsewhere. I've been burned with that before though, when nurses say they want me to come in, and then at the appointment the doctor says they can't really help me or they just don't have any new information from any of the other doctors I've seen. Yesterday wasn't the first time! I guess I'll ponder it this weekend and hope I ovulate and get KU so I don't have to worry about it!
The good thing that came out of my appointment yesterday is that Dr W realized he hadn't taught me how to give myself shots. I will have to give myself daily shots of blood thinner immediately, as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test, so he gave the the prescription to have ready and a nurse showed me how to do it. I was a teensy bit nervous, but it didn't hurt a bit! Hooray! Ok, so it's an almost microscopic needle, and I'm not even afraid of needles, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick one into my own belly. But after trying once, it'll be no problem! I'll have to get creative about covering bruises for my maternity pics though!
The less good thing that came from my appointment, besides all the unanswered questions, was a bit of a freakout. When Dr W started talking about the risk that would go along with twins, I started getting really nervous. Are we doing the right thing by trying again? I wouldn't change anything about our little girl, but I hate that she had to go through so much when she was so small. She is an amazing, strong fighter, but no baby should have to be a fighter! I don't want to do that to another baby. We are so blessed that she has done so well. She "caught up" earlier than the doctors expected and has no real lasting issues from her stint in the NICU, but it didn't have to go that way. Things could go worse next time. I know this is what we want, but when I left the doctor's office yesterday, I felt selfish. Is it stupid to want to try this again? I know this risks aren't as high as they could be, but they're not low enough to be comfortable. And I'm scared. What if things go wrong? I don't want to find myself in another fight for my and/or my baby's life.
I know myself well enough to know that there are days I'm going to feel this way. Most of the time I'm excited about the prospect of another baby and optimistic about having a healthy pregnancy, but there are moments when the risks throw themselves in my face. Yesterday was the first time since our daughter was in the hospital where I really questioned whether we should do this again.
We will try, and odds are good that we will have a healthy baby at least fairly close to term. If not, we'll deal with whatever comes our way. God has it under control, but this is definitely one moment where the idea that He won't give us more than we can handle is not a comfort. It's not that I don't think we could handle anything that comes our way, it's just that there are lots of possibilities that I just don't want to! Today I feel much better and much more optimistic, although still recovering a bit from the anxiety of yesterday. But we're off to the river this weekend for some sun and relaxation with the fam for Father's Day!

What a Week!

Phew! TGIF! I still have to go to my work picnic this evening and work a game booth, but boy am I glad to have the weekend coming up. This week has been full of... well... just FULL! I had a continuing ed course Wednesday, so I had to get all my home visits scheduled the other 4 days of the week, which meant that I worked at least a little late every night besides Tuesday, which was supposed to be when I went to my dr appointment with my specialist, Dr W. Sunday night we went to a local Blue Grass concert, and M came down with a fever. I brought her to her pediatrician Monday morning, basically just in time for an almost total recovery that made me look like an idiot for bringing her in. Oh well! My mom called it payback... Then, Monday night after work, we went to my in-laws' house for dinner to celebrate M's "Coming Home Day", because two years ago on June 4, she FINALLY came home from the hospital after 12 weeks and 1 day. She was feeling 95% better, so it was a fun day to celebrate. It's amazing to look at her now and see how far she's come. She truly is our miracle girl. She's still a little small for her age, but otherwise you'd never know where she started. She is talking above her age level (things are getting interesting... and hilarious) and recently told me that my hairy legs "are spicy", you know, like salsa... Makes me wonder how salsa makes her mouth feel! She is so much fun right now! We celebrate her birthday in March with my family, but my in-laws are typically still in Florida that time of year, so we celebrate her Coming Home Day with them.  Anyway, Tuesday, Dr W was called in for surgery so my appointment was rescheduled for next Thursday. That was a little frustrating, but I didn't think anything would be happening before then anyway. Wednesday evening we got a call that someone wanted to see our house on Thursday (it's for sale) which was excellent, except that it looked like a toy store threw up and the dishwasher exploded all at the same time. So, after M went to bed, Matt went to mow the grass and I got started cleaning inside. After mowing most of the yard, Matt was backing up with the mower, stepped off the curb, and sprained his ankle. Argh! Basically, that meant that he spent the rest of the evening on the couch with ice while I finished the yard and cleaned house until 1:00am to get it ready for the next day. But, I must have done well, because we heard this morning that the women who looked at it said we're #2 on her list of houses now. Our house has been on the market since last August, so it sure would be nice to get it sold!
On Monday morning, when I was waiting with M to see her doctor, I had some pretty sharp cramping, but had a BM later, so I didn't think much of it. That evening, when checking my cervix, I noticed I was spotting just a little. Not enough that I would have even known if I hadn't been checking. However, that has continued all week, and today is my fifth day of spotting. Because it was so light, I didn't think anything of it until last night, when I realized that it had been 4 days. I REALLY don't think it's a period, but I was afraid that if it was, I would miss this cycle for the Clomid. So, I called Dr P this morning and explained the situation. It's unusual for me to spot in the middle of my cycle, especially consistently for 5 days in a row, and I wanted to just check with him on it. Next Tuesday is day 32, at which point he would have started me on Prometrium to induce a period anyway. He called back about noon today and said that he would go ahead and count this as a period, just to be safe. He said that with women who aren't ovulating, you can sometimes start Clomid at any point in their cycle anyway, so it wouldn't hurt. So, that means I'm starting on Clomid TODAY! Holy moly! Here I thought it would be the end of the month before taking the Clomid and the beginning of July before possibly being fertile, but things just got bumped up! So we shall see. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up that it will work on the first try and lowest dose, but I think just for today I will be happy before trying to temper my excitement. Why not, right? If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for good results! I guess I'll still keep my appointment with Dr W next Thursday, even though I'll be done with the Clomid by then. Maybe he'll have some other input. When I was on the phone with Dr P he told me to start watching for ovulation about 5-9 days after I take my last pill, but I was so excited, I forgot to ask how long I should wait before assuming it's not going to happen. Hopefully it will happen right away and that won't be an issue. But it looks like I'll be checking in with Dr Google in the mean time. Happy ovulating to me!!

Edit: Just after I finished, Matt came down the steps and said the real estate agent called him and said that the lady decided on another house... dang...

Day 18

Well, CD18 has come and is almost gone. I didn't realize how many hopes I had hanging on ovulating by today until last night, when I accepted that it just was not going to happen this way. I really hoped that using progesterone to jump-start my cycle would be enough get me ovulating, but it's just not going to be. I called both my regular OB, Dr P, and my MFM OB, Dr W, who will be following my next pregnancy, to let them know what was going on. They both actually called back at times when I was able to answer my phone during my work day, which was basically a miracle. Dr W's nurse called first, and I updated her on the situation since I hadn't told them anything yet. I also told her that I am concerned about PCOS, but that Dr P wanted to treat with Clomid without looking into whether that is the issue or not. I'm not opposed to Clomid, but there is another medication, Metformin, that may be appropriate for PCOS that would help me cycle without (I think) increasing my chances of having multiples. In my mind, because I'm already considered high risk, I would rather try the medication that doesn't increase my risk of multiples, which is also considered high risk. If Clomid turns out to be the best option, then I'm ok with that, but I need to know that I've covered my options. Dr W's nurse said that "would be a great conversation to have with Dr W." I asked if a phone consult would be possible, since I live an hour away and would have to take off work, but she said he would want to see me in person. That's fine if the appointment is worth my time. Miraculously, she got me in next week Tuesday, so I'm pretty stoked. I really thought I would be waiting another month to get in there. Hooray!!
This afternoon, Dr P called me back himself. Although I felt uncertain about his plan before talking with him today, he answered all of my questions and I feel more confident. I do still want a second opinion from Dr W to address which medication is the best fit, but I feel more confident that Dr P is taking my concerns about PCOS seriously. He basically said that he would like to wait and see if I finish this cycle on my own, and if I don't start my period by day 32, he will do another round of progesterone to get me going again, then prescribe Clomid cycle days 5-9, starting with 50mg, then potentially 100mg, then 150mg in subsequent cycles progressively until I would ovulate. If I still don't ovulate on that highest dosage we would revisit the idea of FSH injections, which he said would "increase monitoring and cost significantly." Let's hope we don't have to go there. I told him of my understanding that Clomid is less likely to work if PCOS is the issue, and he confirmed that. I asked him about Metformin as an alternative, and he explained that typically, Metformin works best for women who are insulin resistant and over weight, neither of which I am (to my knowledge). It's possible that Metformin could still work, and I have a friend who doesn't fit the mold and has had great success (due in July :) ), so I'm not ruling it out yet, but that's good to know. I feel like he is considering that possibility, which I wasn't sure of before. Dr P also explained that research is still inconclusive as to whether or not Metformin produces any better results than Clomid. And later in the afternoon he actually emailed me a research article about a study that found that more live births occurred with the use of Clomid than with Metformin. I haven't made my way through it just yet, but I definitely will. So all in all, I feel much more like he is on my side after our conversation.

I realized something as I was lying in bed feeling frustrated last night. When M was born so early, I felt so disappointed in my body. I felt as though it had let me down. All my life, I have been able to just about anything I have wanted to do if I worked at it enough. But now, when it comes to the most important thing to me, my body has failed, and there is nothing I can do about it. I had worked through those feelings as much as possible, and since M is doing so well, it hasn't been staring me in the face for a long time. But once I realized that I am still not ovulating with the assistance of progesterone, I began feeling like my body is letting me down yet again. It's not as though this has been a long process thus far. I feel like I am more frustrated than can be accounted for by the last month and a half. But I think that what it comes down to is that the feeling of my body letting me down this time around is stirring feelings that I thought I had worked past. I can't tell you how sickening it is to know that your body has been unable to carry your baby to term, and to see that tiny baby struggling for life, and know that you are completely out of control. The feeling of wanting so desperately to protect her from every bright light, every loud beep, not to mention the invasive medical procedures, and being utterly unable to do so, is beyond words. It's sickening. Only another preemie mama could really know. The night I came home from the hospital, I just laid in bed, hugging my empty belly, and cried and cried. I don't ever want to feel that again. So the feeling of having no control over my body is a difficult one for me. I'm trying to embrace the body that God has given me and trust that he has entrusted me with this struggle for a reason, but I swing between that knowledge and the conclusion that my body is one selfish POS. It has always treated me just fine, but when it comes to growing another human being, it's just doesn't come easily. Hopefully I'll grow to be more graceful and lean more often towards the former. :)

In other news, part of my effort to embrace my body and know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made has been to sign up for my first 5K! I'm in week 2 of training and I'm actually really excited! I decided that it's time for me to force myself into some "me time" so pushing myself to do this is all about me. My mom, sisters, and a couple friends are also signed up, and I think it's going to be a lot of fun! August 18th- let the count down begin!!

May 18, 2012

Wow, it's been a while! So let's see. I started the 10 day round of progesterone (Prometrium), and Dr P told me that I would start on either the last day of the pill or within the following 5 days, if I was to start at all. In fact, I spotted on day 9 and 10, then started my period the following day. It was very light, but I think maybe that makes sense since I never did ovulate?? Either way, I'm just happy to have started my period at all, thank you very much 83 day cycle!!! So now, I'm on CD7 (not counting the first two days of minimal spotting) and have until CD18 to ovulate on my own before Dr P wants to step in and try Clomid. He didn't sound extremely hopeful that I would ovulate on my own, but I hopeful that I will. I feel like my body has responded to the progesterone in a big way (holy exhaustion Batman!) and since I ovulated last time I came off BCP I think it could happen. I sure hope so! I don't know what I'm going to do once I do get pregnant! I feel like last time we got pregnant so quickly once we decided to go for it, and then I was totally naive to anything that could go wrong until it did, and then, surprise, M was here that day! And there was no time to think about anything because we found ourselves smack in the middle of the NICU roller coaster! This time around, I'm so focused on getting pregnant and now needing help to ovulate, but when I think about pregnancy, I just see so many different possibilities outside of a typical, healthy pregnancy. I know I will be giving myself daily blood thinner shots, so normal basically goes out the window right there, but if that's all the "abnormal" I have to deal with, I will be a happy camper. I keep thinking about potential bedrest more than anything. My MTFM, Dr W, made me feel like getting at least close to term is pretty likely with his game plan of blood thinners, and predicted 34-36 weeks, which sound FABULOUS!! He thought that we might be looking at a NICU stay of 2 weeks or less. If someone would have told me that be before M made her grand entrance, I think I would have been devastated, but after 12 weeks in the NICU, 2 weeks sounds very do-able. I want nothing more than to leave the hospital with my baby though. I always think about what that would feel like, and it just seems to amazing to even fathom. On the other hand, Dr W did say that if I show even a hint of pre-e, like high blood pressure, swelling, protein, anything at all, he will put me on bedrest. Soooo... then I signed up for short-term disability for work, so I have 6 months covered there. One less thing to worry about. But there are just so many unknowns (even more than a typical pregnancy) and I basically can't plan anything until I get there. There are only so many back up plans a person can make! So for now I focus my thoughts on getting pregnant (as if that helps) and pregnancy and all the what-ifs that go with it are just a bridge I will have to cross when I get there. And by "bridge", I mean like a thousand bridges to cross before holding that baby in my arms! One way or another, we'll get there!There's an almost superstitious part of me that doesn't want to try to imagine too many possibilities, because I'm afraid that God's is going to try and surprise me, and if I think I have all the possibilities figured out, he'll just have to come up with a really creative way to catch me off guard... I definitely believe God has a sense of humor. :)

May 7, 2012

So I am on day 6 of this progesterone and although I haven't had all of the horrible symptoms I've heard about, I am definitely aware of it in my body. I'm tired, lethargic, and irritable. We have great friends here for an extended weekend, and that's probably a good and a bad thing for them. I'm definitely glad they're here to distract me from my crabbiness and to give the hubby a break, but I'm definitely not at my best. Breaking up fights between two 2 year-olds all morning definitely had me at the end of my rope and naps came just in the nick of time. The dadas are fishing this afternoon, so I laid down and, although I didn't sleep, I did enjoy the time to myself and feel refreshed. My little poppy seed tried to convince me she wasn't going to take a nap, but fortunately I convinced her otherwise and am feeling recharged. I'm trying to squeeze in a post before she gets up.
I've been reading lots of blogs lately. I've never gotten into them until the past few months, and now I have definitely gravitated towards pregnancy/TTC blogs, preemie blogs, as well as blogs by moms of children with special needs. I don't have a child with special needs but I do work with kids under 3 who have all levels of special needs. I love working with them and I especially love working with them as a piece of their family. Missouri's early intervention program, which is where I work, puts a lot of emphasis on working with families as a whole, the idea being that they are the people who spend the most time with their child and, with the right support and education, are the ones who can have the greatest effect on their children. I recently stumbled upon a blog that brings all of these things together, from trying to conceive with MTHFR, to infertility and IVF, to pregnancy, to finding out their little one would be born with Down's Syndrome, to just recently welcoming him into the world. While catching up today, I read about their ultrasounds, both before and after learning of the DS diagnosis, and it just really got me craving that experience again. I can't wait to be pregnant. With my daughter we had all of the beautiful experiences up until 28 weeks, and they were oh so wonderful. The only part that really wasn't fantastic was the last week, when I was getting so sick, although I didn't know what was happening. When I say "beautiful", I don't mean that I wasn't sick or exhausted or anything like that, but I really did enjoy being pregnant. I think that is one more reason I mourned so hard for the last third of my pregnancy that I (and my daughter) never had. I was looking so forward to the rest of that pregnancy and even delivery. I know that sounds crazy to all those people who experienced that in a way that allowed them to take it for granted. And I don't begrudge them their ability to complain about their experience, although there have been times when I did. It's just that I really was looking forward to experiencing my body doing what it was created to do, to proving to myself just how strong I really am. I felt betrayed that my body instead showed it's inability to do what I still believe I am created to do. How can God create me with such a sense of purpose that drives me to be a mother, and yet my body seems unable to do its part? I guess I did learn just how strong I could be. Just not in the way I thought I would. It takes a lot of strength to have a preemie.
So today I am aching for not only the experiences I had during my first pregnancy, which were overwhelmingly positive, but also the experiences I dreamed of and have been missing ever since. I really hope this first round of progesterone works. Dr P didn't seem extremely confident that it would, but obviously he thought there was a chance or I don't think he would have tried it. I feel like if this doesn't get me to ovulate, then I really am entering the world of infertility. At this point, I feel as though I'm teetering on the edge. I have one beautiful daughter and had no trouble getting pregnant with her, only because I cycled and ovulated immediately after coming off BCP. My body had that assistance. I guess using the progesterone really isn't any different than that. But if this doesn't do it and I have to move on to Clomid, that, to me, is an infertility drug. I hesitate to put myself in that category, because we haven't been "trying" very long. However, we really haven't even been able to "try" because I knew that I wasn't ovulating. I also hesitate because I don't feel as though I have the right to put myself in the same category as friends who have tried for years to get pregnant, and have had innumerable tests and treatments, some of whom have eventually been successful and some not. But I am afraid of entering that world. I did feel a bit validated at my dr's appointment when Dr P said that he was putting the appointment in under "irregular cycles" because that's why I came in, but also adding "infertility" since we had that conversation. At least "infertility" isn't just a word in my head.
My husband asked me yesterday how hard it would be on me if we found out I really couldn't get pregnant. This might sounds like a leap to some, and it is, but in context I knew where he was coming from. We have discussed adoption as a possibility for our family if our next pregnancy is as difficult and/or short as the first one. Both of us feel like it might be a calling for us somewhere down the road and, while that's as far as the conversation had gone, it's in the back of our minds. When our daughter was in the hospital and I didn't yet know what the likelihood was of the same thing happening again would be, we promised each other that she would not be an only child. If it wasn't safe for me to be pregnant again, then we would pursue adoption. Now, we both know that we could pursue adoption for a variety of reasons, not the least of which might be that God simply calls us to do it. But He when he asked about how I would feel if I was unable to have another baby, he said that if that were the case, he would be sad, but that it would seem like God intended that to lead us into adoption. I told him that I feel like the idea of being unable to have more biological children makes me want to cry, even just talking about it, but in the big picture, I feel the same way he does. I don't want to think about not being able to carry another baby inside my body, and it would be harder than I care to think about, but I do trust that God has a plan, and if that's a part of it, we will walk that path in good faith. But just for the record, I don't want to. :) I'm willing to consider adoption even if I do have another baby if that's what God wants! I am so looking forward to watching and feeling another life growing inside me, and to allowing my body the opportunity to get it right next time. I can't wait to see my daughter as a big sister. She loves babies, and while I know one living in our home would be more challenging to her, I know she would be great at it. Only time will tell just when that will happen. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!