April 24, 2012

As I'm typing, M is fighting sleep by crying for the 4th night in a row. As frustrating as that is (and it's very frustrating) I wouldn't trade the challenges of parenting for anything in the world. There is no doubt that M is our miracle girl. She was teeny teeny tiny when she was born -- 1 lb 11 oz. She was born 12 weeks early and was small even for her gestational age. But the more I learn about my body, the more I learn just how truly she is a miracle. Many women with homozygous MTHFR, one of the genetic mutations I have, have difficulty carrying pregnancies past the first trimester. And they often don't find out the cause until they have had multiple miscarriages. The fact that I was able to conceive and then carry my pregnancy as long as I did really is miraculous, given what I now know.
When I listen to M cry that she wants out of bed or throw a tantrum, as two year-olds will do, I can't help but think of her first five days spent on her ventilator and feel grateful for those lungs that are so strong and that have never given her any trouble since being discharged from her 12 weeks in the hospital.
As a family, we don't have the luxury of taking what we have for granted, but that's something we have come to appreciate. The funniest things strike me and remind me of how good we have it and how close we came to not having it this good. For example, on Easter, while helping M empty her eggs, I looked at a little Butterfinger egg and was struck by the memory of her first Easter picture from two years ago, taken by a very special NICU nurse when she was a few weeks old. M was surrounded with Butterfinger eggs the size her of hand. Those same eggs now fit right in the palm of her hand. So yeah, even Butterfinger eggs remind us that we're living a miracle!

Beginning a Journey

Hello Poppy Seed

My daughter,
Who not so long ago
Was a poppy seed to pollywog
That grew inside of me,
Is newly pregnant.

I imagine
The million moments of
Carrying, calming, feeding,
Adoring, worrying,
Astonishment
Holding on
And letting go

That are stored in her now
Like chromosomes on a gene,
Too intricate,
Too detailed
To map.

Already I recognize
The way she walks—
Protective,
The way she speaks
About other things
But is never unaware
Of the precious secret
She holds inside.

You are blessed,
Little poppy seed.
You will grow
In a nourishing womb.
You will be born into arms
That yearn for you,
Held close by a bond
Formed long ago.

In a lifetime of achievements
And failures
I am most proud
Of this beautiful mother/daughter
Who started as a poppy seed
Inside of me.

Maria Brady-Smith, October, 2009

Matt's size 11 wedding ring

This poem was written by my mom shortly after she found out I was pregnant with our daughter, Mya. (Hopefully she doesn't mind me posting it here :) ) My husband, Matt, and I were newly pregnant and read that, at that gestation, she was about the size of a poppy seed. Thus the inspiration for the poem and blog title. When I think about that stage in our lives, I think about how naive we were, and about all we had ahead of us that we didn't know was coming yet. Mya was born the following March and just 28 weeks 1 day, weighing 1 lb 10.8 oz. It's hard for people to imagine a baby that size, and it's hard for me to remember her at that size, but my husband's size 11 wedding ring fit over her arm, up to her shoulder. Now, at 2 years old, it barely fits over two of her fingers.

The first time I met Mya after she was born.

I wish I would have started blogging or journaling at the beginning of my pregnancy, or at the beginning of our NICU stay, but now, two years later, is the first time when I have felt that the whirlwind has died down enough to try it out. So here goes nothing. I am beginning at another beginning: the beginning of trying for baby number two. This is a whole new experience for us. When we decided to try for a baby the first time around, I had no known health issues, no complications, no reason to think everything wouldn't go smoothly. This time, I have a history of pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome that cause Mya's early arrival, and have recently been diagnosed with two separate blood clotting disorder: homozygous MTHFR and Factor V Leiden Mutation. Research is emerging, but is seems that the Factor V is likely at least part of the reason for the HELLP Syndrome. Along with that information, my cycle is very irregular (meaning I don't ovulate very often) and I have an appointment with my doctor coming up soon to determine whether there is a separate reason for that. I have my theories, but I'll have to wait and see. So at this point, getting to the point of holding baby number two in my arms feels like a step by step process with lots of unknowns and each stage. Will it be difficult to get pregnant? Will I be able to carry a baby to term this time around? Will I end up on bed rest or be able to continue working during my pregnancy? I have no doubt that we'll get there, but I'm just not sure of the path God has in mind for us.  This blog is my documentation of our journey.