Frustration!

I had my appointment with Dr W yesterday, but I don't even think he knew why I was there. I saw him last fall for a "pre-conception consult" to basically discuss the game plan for the next time I would be pregnant, and I think he thought that's why I was there yesterday. He started telling me about all the things we're going to do once I'm pregnant to try and prevent or delay severe pre-eclampsia again. But I already know all of that because we've already had that discussion. When I called, I told his nurse all about my concerns with possible PCOS and Clomid vs metformin, and she said "I think that would be a great conversation for you to have with Dr Webb." I asked if I could talk with him on the phone to avoid having to take the afternoon off work and driving an hour each way, but she said he would want to see me in his office. Fair enough. But I really wish she would have talked to him about it first because he basically just told me that he or Dr P aren't qualified to make the decisions and diagnoses based on my situation. He told me that he wouldn't recommend going over 100mg of Clomid because of the risk of multiples. Specifically, twins would double my chances of severe pre-e. He thought I should give it 2-3 cycles with Clomid, and if I'm not pregnant, regardless of whether I have ovulated with it, I should go see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) who can figure out exactly what's going on and figure out the best way to help me get pregnant with ONE baby. I really feel like they could have told me over the phone that he wouldn't be able to answer my questions, but whatever. They have my $40 copay, so hopefully that makes them happy.
Based on what he said, I really don't think I'm going to wait 2-3 cycles. If I don't ovulate or get pregnant with this round of Clomid I'm just going to see an RE. I was thinking about calling and setting up the appointment and just canceling it if I get pregnant. I imagine they take at least a month to get in anyway. A friend/co-worker who has PCOS and a complicated history as well has a doctor she loves. He's not technically an RE, but worked with one and did a lot of training with him, and basically has a lot of the same knowledge. She loves him and wants me to see him. I haven't decided yet. Part of me likes the idea of seeing some one I have a good referral to, but the other part of me wants to just go straight to the top and skip the possibility of having to involve yet another doctor. The other benefit is that he shouldn't be hard to get into- maybe a couple weeks or so. I am thinking about calling and explaining my situation and seeing if he thinks he could help me or if I should go elsewhere. I've been burned with that before though, when nurses say they want me to come in, and then at the appointment the doctor says they can't really help me or they just don't have any new information from any of the other doctors I've seen. Yesterday wasn't the first time! I guess I'll ponder it this weekend and hope I ovulate and get KU so I don't have to worry about it!
The good thing that came out of my appointment yesterday is that Dr W realized he hadn't taught me how to give myself shots. I will have to give myself daily shots of blood thinner immediately, as soon as I get a positive pregnancy test, so he gave the the prescription to have ready and a nurse showed me how to do it. I was a teensy bit nervous, but it didn't hurt a bit! Hooray! Ok, so it's an almost microscopic needle, and I'm not even afraid of needles, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick one into my own belly. But after trying once, it'll be no problem! I'll have to get creative about covering bruises for my maternity pics though!
The less good thing that came from my appointment, besides all the unanswered questions, was a bit of a freakout. When Dr W started talking about the risk that would go along with twins, I started getting really nervous. Are we doing the right thing by trying again? I wouldn't change anything about our little girl, but I hate that she had to go through so much when she was so small. She is an amazing, strong fighter, but no baby should have to be a fighter! I don't want to do that to another baby. We are so blessed that she has done so well. She "caught up" earlier than the doctors expected and has no real lasting issues from her stint in the NICU, but it didn't have to go that way. Things could go worse next time. I know this is what we want, but when I left the doctor's office yesterday, I felt selfish. Is it stupid to want to try this again? I know this risks aren't as high as they could be, but they're not low enough to be comfortable. And I'm scared. What if things go wrong? I don't want to find myself in another fight for my and/or my baby's life.
I know myself well enough to know that there are days I'm going to feel this way. Most of the time I'm excited about the prospect of another baby and optimistic about having a healthy pregnancy, but there are moments when the risks throw themselves in my face. Yesterday was the first time since our daughter was in the hospital where I really questioned whether we should do this again.
We will try, and odds are good that we will have a healthy baby at least fairly close to term. If not, we'll deal with whatever comes our way. God has it under control, but this is definitely one moment where the idea that He won't give us more than we can handle is not a comfort. It's not that I don't think we could handle anything that comes our way, it's just that there are lots of possibilities that I just don't want to! Today I feel much better and much more optimistic, although still recovering a bit from the anxiety of yesterday. But we're off to the river this weekend for some sun and relaxation with the fam for Father's Day!