May 7, 2012

So I am on day 6 of this progesterone and although I haven't had all of the horrible symptoms I've heard about, I am definitely aware of it in my body. I'm tired, lethargic, and irritable. We have great friends here for an extended weekend, and that's probably a good and a bad thing for them. I'm definitely glad they're here to distract me from my crabbiness and to give the hubby a break, but I'm definitely not at my best. Breaking up fights between two 2 year-olds all morning definitely had me at the end of my rope and naps came just in the nick of time. The dadas are fishing this afternoon, so I laid down and, although I didn't sleep, I did enjoy the time to myself and feel refreshed. My little poppy seed tried to convince me she wasn't going to take a nap, but fortunately I convinced her otherwise and am feeling recharged. I'm trying to squeeze in a post before she gets up.
I've been reading lots of blogs lately. I've never gotten into them until the past few months, and now I have definitely gravitated towards pregnancy/TTC blogs, preemie blogs, as well as blogs by moms of children with special needs. I don't have a child with special needs but I do work with kids under 3 who have all levels of special needs. I love working with them and I especially love working with them as a piece of their family. Missouri's early intervention program, which is where I work, puts a lot of emphasis on working with families as a whole, the idea being that they are the people who spend the most time with their child and, with the right support and education, are the ones who can have the greatest effect on their children. I recently stumbled upon a blog that brings all of these things together, from trying to conceive with MTHFR, to infertility and IVF, to pregnancy, to finding out their little one would be born with Down's Syndrome, to just recently welcoming him into the world. While catching up today, I read about their ultrasounds, both before and after learning of the DS diagnosis, and it just really got me craving that experience again. I can't wait to be pregnant. With my daughter we had all of the beautiful experiences up until 28 weeks, and they were oh so wonderful. The only part that really wasn't fantastic was the last week, when I was getting so sick, although I didn't know what was happening. When I say "beautiful", I don't mean that I wasn't sick or exhausted or anything like that, but I really did enjoy being pregnant. I think that is one more reason I mourned so hard for the last third of my pregnancy that I (and my daughter) never had. I was looking so forward to the rest of that pregnancy and even delivery. I know that sounds crazy to all those people who experienced that in a way that allowed them to take it for granted. And I don't begrudge them their ability to complain about their experience, although there have been times when I did. It's just that I really was looking forward to experiencing my body doing what it was created to do, to proving to myself just how strong I really am. I felt betrayed that my body instead showed it's inability to do what I still believe I am created to do. How can God create me with such a sense of purpose that drives me to be a mother, and yet my body seems unable to do its part? I guess I did learn just how strong I could be. Just not in the way I thought I would. It takes a lot of strength to have a preemie.
So today I am aching for not only the experiences I had during my first pregnancy, which were overwhelmingly positive, but also the experiences I dreamed of and have been missing ever since. I really hope this first round of progesterone works. Dr P didn't seem extremely confident that it would, but obviously he thought there was a chance or I don't think he would have tried it. I feel like if this doesn't get me to ovulate, then I really am entering the world of infertility. At this point, I feel as though I'm teetering on the edge. I have one beautiful daughter and had no trouble getting pregnant with her, only because I cycled and ovulated immediately after coming off BCP. My body had that assistance. I guess using the progesterone really isn't any different than that. But if this doesn't do it and I have to move on to Clomid, that, to me, is an infertility drug. I hesitate to put myself in that category, because we haven't been "trying" very long. However, we really haven't even been able to "try" because I knew that I wasn't ovulating. I also hesitate because I don't feel as though I have the right to put myself in the same category as friends who have tried for years to get pregnant, and have had innumerable tests and treatments, some of whom have eventually been successful and some not. But I am afraid of entering that world. I did feel a bit validated at my dr's appointment when Dr P said that he was putting the appointment in under "irregular cycles" because that's why I came in, but also adding "infertility" since we had that conversation. At least "infertility" isn't just a word in my head.
My husband asked me yesterday how hard it would be on me if we found out I really couldn't get pregnant. This might sounds like a leap to some, and it is, but in context I knew where he was coming from. We have discussed adoption as a possibility for our family if our next pregnancy is as difficult and/or short as the first one. Both of us feel like it might be a calling for us somewhere down the road and, while that's as far as the conversation had gone, it's in the back of our minds. When our daughter was in the hospital and I didn't yet know what the likelihood was of the same thing happening again would be, we promised each other that she would not be an only child. If it wasn't safe for me to be pregnant again, then we would pursue adoption. Now, we both know that we could pursue adoption for a variety of reasons, not the least of which might be that God simply calls us to do it. But He when he asked about how I would feel if I was unable to have another baby, he said that if that were the case, he would be sad, but that it would seem like God intended that to lead us into adoption. I told him that I feel like the idea of being unable to have more biological children makes me want to cry, even just talking about it, but in the big picture, I feel the same way he does. I don't want to think about not being able to carry another baby inside my body, and it would be harder than I care to think about, but I do trust that God has a plan, and if that's a part of it, we will walk that path in good faith. But just for the record, I don't want to. :) I'm willing to consider adoption even if I do have another baby if that's what God wants! I am so looking forward to watching and feeling another life growing inside me, and to allowing my body the opportunity to get it right next time. I can't wait to see my daughter as a big sister. She loves babies, and while I know one living in our home would be more challenging to her, I know she would be great at it. Only time will tell just when that will happen. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!